Christmas

Today is Christmas. Wes and I stayed up late watching, "It's a Wonderful Life" last night. It's my favorite Christmas movie. Makes you ponder life, which I've been doing a lot this week. I slept ok, but a bit unsettled, as I have most of this week since we found out the news about our baby. I feel like I am walking around in a fog, just putting on a good front. Most of the time I feel I have hidden my feelings ok, other times, I'm sure it's obvious I'm in a haze. I can't stop thinking about our baby and his future. 

This morning started out with the fun of watching our kids open all of their gifts from Santa and each other. They got all of the gifts they asked for from Santa, Bethany and Dominic got skateboards, and Tanner got his orange bow and arrow. It was a fun morning of excitement. After it was all over, we cleaned up and headed out to my parents house. We had breakfast there and my Grandma and sisters, Amy & Allison came with their families, too. 

My parents always ask for lists of things we want for Christmas and do their best to fulfill most of those wishes. This year I asked for a pricey diaper bag. I wanted the kind that is a back pack, but has a shoulder strap, and can also hook onto a stroller. I found one on line that I really liked and send them the link. I was really hoping that's what they would get me. 

As we drove to Crestwood, I started to think of that diaper bag possibly waiting under the tree for me. Oddly enough, I started feeling sad. I almost didn't want to open it because I was afraid of how I would react. I don't want to be sad on Christmas, especially in front of all of my family. We started opening gifts and it was crazy! Wrapping paper flying, kids passing around gifts, it was fun, but I was in my tired haze. Dominic brought me a box about halfway through the chaos and said, "Mom, this one is for you." This was it. It was the right size. The diaper bag. I had to open it. This is what I wanted. I feel bad, because my normal reaction would be to ooh and aah over it, go through each pocket, try it on, show it off, etc. But I couldn't. As I looked at that bag and admired it, I was secretly wondering if I'll have a chance to use it. Will my baby survive? Will I be toting his diapers, wipes, bottles, burp rags, and toys around in this bag? Or will I have an empty diaper bag and never get to use it? Will I have a baby crawling around the Christmas tree next year? Or will I have an empty spot in my heart for him? 

I don't want to come off as pessimistic. I am really, really trying to be optimistic. Really. I have hope that he will live and thrive and be as strong as physically strong as he can be. But, the possible reality is that we could lose him. In the not too distant past, this was literally a fatal diagnosis with no hope for survival. I am grateful for modern medicine and advances in heart surgery to give me hope. So many babies have had successful surgeries and are doing well, including our nephew. Truly, I pray so hard that our son will live and be strong, but it is hard to not let these thoughts creep in. I have faith that God has a plan for our son, but  I worry that that plan is not the plan I would choose for him. 

I was able to mostly overcome some of these feelings and still enjoyed a good evening with my family. I am so grateful to have a support system around me who love me and my little family, and are praying for us. I am very blessed. And, I also want to say, I came home, and this evening I opened every crevasse of the diaper bag and examined all of the awesome features. I love it! It is exactly what I wanted. I can't wait to carry around all of our baby's things. It has all that I would want and more.  So, thank you to my parents for getting me my wish! 

I am grateful for my Savior, especially this Christmas day. He chose to come to earth and live a mortal life. He set a perfect example for me and the rest of the world. That tiny babe in Bethlehem lived and died, so that we can all live again and have the blessings of eternity. I love my Savior and have faith in him and his gospel. No matter what happens, I know he is mindful of me. Merry Christmas!